Fannie Green

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest: “Father, it’s been one
month since my last confession. I’ve had sex with Fannie Green every week for
the last month”.
The priest tells the sinner: “You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s.”
Soon, another man enters the confessional. “Father, it has been two months
since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the
last two months.”
This time the priest asks: “Who is this Fannie Green?”
“A new woman in the neighborhood” the sinner replies.
“Very well,” says the priest. “Go and say ten Hail Mary’s”.
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when
a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men’s eyes fall upon her as
she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is
green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and
altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart,
Sharon Stone-style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and in a hushed tone asks:
“Is that Fannie Green?
The altar boy replies: “No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes”.

The Bear and the Atheist

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. “What majestic trees! What
powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself. As he continued
walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes Turning to look, he
saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the
path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His
heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and
fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his
paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant the atheist cried out:
“Oh my God!”
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent. It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a
voice came out of the sky saying: “You deny my existence for all of these years,
told others I didn’t exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you
expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a
believer?”
The atheist looked directly into the light and said: “It would be hypocritical of
me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps – could you
make the bear a Christian?”
“Very well,” said the voice.
The light went out, and the sounds of the forest resumed.
And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke:
“For which we are about to receive, may The Lord make us truly thankful.”

Doctor Dave

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.
No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and
sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he’d hear an
internal, reassuring voice that said: “Dave, don’t worry about it. You aren’t the
first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won’t be the last. And
you’re single, just let it go.”
But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality, whispering:
“Dave, you’re a vet.”

Alien Encounter

Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a petrol station that had been
closed for the night. They approached one of the pumps and the younger of the
two Aliens addressed it: “Greetings, Earthling.We come in peace. Take us to
your leader.”
The pump didn’t respond (of course). The younger alien started to get mad at
the lack of response and the older one said: “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated the greeting. Again, there
was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump’s haughty
attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently:
“Greetings Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us in this way! Take us
to your leader, or I will fire.”
The older alien again warned his comrade: “You don’t want to do that. You
really don’t want to make him mad!”
“Rubbish!” replied the younger alien.
He aimed his weapon at the pump and fired. There was a huge explosion. A
massive fireball roared outwards and towards them and blew the younger alien
off his feet and deposited him in a burnt and crumpled mess 200 yards away in
a cactus patch.
Thirty-five Earth minutes later when he finally regained consciousness,
refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna, he looked dazedly
up at the wiser one who was standing over him, slowly shaking his big green
head.
“What a ferocious creature!” said the young fried one.
“It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?”

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on the younger one’s now
crispy peeling flesh and shared some knowledge:
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my travels through the galaxy” said the
wise old alien.
“When a guy has a willy he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in
his ear, you don’t mess with him!!”